25 Things About Me

Partially for Derek Radell

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1)- I already broke the first rule.
2) – I am not crazy about chain e-mails, and even less crazier about viral Facebook journal entries.
3) – They make me afraid for the future.
4) – I like the idea of viral real journal entries.
5) – They could start off as really embarrassing or even just extremely private stories, like that time I masturbated in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows of my high-rise dormitory apartment, lying behind the couch at something like 3 in the afternoon while I was supposed to be at work fucking up spreadsheets for my boss and getting my coworkers drunk. It’s not like I was intending to do any of that shit, the masturbation stuff. I was listening to a really amazing poem written by this tiny little man from the west coast whose work I just adore, and it was in the spring, and Chicago was just starting to thaw and the sky was so blue, I couldn’t help it. Anyway, someone could read a journal entry like that and then it could spread, like this huge wave of awkward intimacy washing over the city, and we could tell eachother all the awkward naked moments of beauty we keep hidden even to lovers and we could all fall in love and we could all know eachother’s stories. I think that’d be cool.
6) – The entire point of my life is a good story.
7) – When I die, I want there to be like a million stories out there, fantastical and bizarre and weirdly sweet.
8) – I am not fantastical.
9) – I don’t think I’m bizarre.
10) – I have rare moments of weird sweetness. I never feel them coming.
11) – A lot of the stories I’ll propulgate about myself to large cross-sections of people will be lies.
12) – That probably is the definition of someone who has intimacy issues, not wanting anyone to really know you, wanting everyone who tries to get to know about your life to be left impossibly confused.
13) – Believe what you want.
14) – I have rules about things that I will say after a certain hour.
15) – If I am behind a microphone or a typewriter or a computer, I have absolutely no obligation to tell anyone a goddamn thing about myself that is factual.
16) – If I am sure that I’ll probably never see you again, the same rules apply.
17) – At least three men and one woman have claimed heartbreak because of this practice.
18) – I feel bad about all of them. Not for them. Actually, about them, on my own behalf.
19) – I am miserably smitten all the time.
20) – Especially right now.
21) – I have, the majority of the last week either gone to bed beside or woken up next to a man who has already told me point blank that we will not in the foreseeable future ever be together. It’s a ridiculously stupid affair, on both of our parts. There’s no reason for it. I will not go into detail here, except to say that there are a great many horribly obvious reasons why we cannot be together, and it makes sense to both of us, not the least of which reason being that I am pretty sure he does not find me physically attractive. The entire thing is about words, I think. I have had my suspicions that perhaps we are using eachother for anecdote material, for things to include on lists like this that we will use to make it seem like we are being intimate with other people, “that time i did this ridiculous thing, thank God I am more mature than that now,” and I have had my suspicions that maybe this is one of those serious things, the kind that belong on a totally other kind of list, the kind of list that is full of fuck-ups and regrets, things you should have done, the kind of list that you don’t show to anyone even when someone asks you, the kind of list that comes out in your behaviors and whoever you end up sleeping beside usually wants to know what the fuck is wrong with you and you tell them “let me think about it” and then you do.
22) – I am worried– worried, at times, to the point of paralysis, to terror, of fucking it all up again.
23) – I am going to fuck it all up again.
24) – Sometimes I really wish that I was a robot.
25) – I watched “the Rules of Attraction” not too long ago for the first time in a few years, and remembered how I really loved that movie, especially those scenes where the lovesick fools just say “I just want to know you” and the objects of their affection say “you’ll never know anybody.” I watched that and after I remembered all of those things, I thought to myself “wow. What a bunch of maudlin fucksticks.” And I was right. What a bunch of maudlin fucksticks.
26) I am not clever, though I try to be.

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