When I was in high school, my favorite teacher and one of my favorite people in all the universe told me this story about how Hitler funded this secret expedition to the top of the world. He and a lot of I guess intelligent but seriously misguided people had intended to find a secret race that had found the answers to all of life’s questions and burrowed deep into the ice and were supposedly living quite happily somewhere near the center of the earth. My attention started to slip at that point and I started making up little adventures for them in my head, so I don’t really know if the people ever sent to the icecap ever came back. I have tried watching the History Channel to see what happens with that, but the same thing always happens to me so even to this day, I don’t really know. I am assuming that if they didn’t come back, they found those really smart people, or that if they did come back, they failed miserably, and unwilling to admit it, they just told everybody they’d succeeded.
In any event, I am going to find that underground civilization of possible anti-semites, and I am going to kill them. I have it all planned out, too. I am going to crawl down through the ice and woo them into a false sense of security with talk of love and peace and understanding, I am going to tell them that they are awesome and then I am going to tell them about my race, about how we live on the surface and talk to the moon, how we shiver in the wind, how we drink and fall down and laugh and fall in love and how we don’t know the answers to anything and how some of us can go through life perfectly satisfied that way. I will coax them up to the surface, and as they come up, I will slaughter them one by one in the snow. I will drop my weapon, wipe my hands on my pants and then I will climb back down, sealing up the hatch behind me as I go.
And if I fail, don’t you worry, friends. I am doing this for us, after all, and because I know how much this means to you, I will be sure to make up something really good to tell you while I am walking back across the icy continent with a frostbitten heart and my tail between my legs.