It is so rare that I make myself laugh as well as someone else I feel like I should share it

Facebook conversation with local performance poet Shawn Guiney

Shawn

you didnt say goodbye i barely saw you last night!!! WTF

1:20amJasmine

I know, I’m sorry :):)

1:20amShawn

:(:(

1:20amJasmine

I am sort of like that random ethnic friend in bad urban-targeted movies about dancing.

I just come to make you feel rad and then I leave and no one knows where or why I went.

1:21amShawn

LOL awesome

1:21amJasmine

Did you continue to enjoy yourself, in spite of my hitherto-unexplained departure?

1:22amShawn

lol yea till i vomited lol

why did you leave so fast?

1:23amJasmine

Stephanie, Andrew and Emily were all leaving at once and you were presumably making out with that girl so I didn’t want to be all alone at a party in a strange house full of people I did not know.

Or was at least not drunk enough yet to think that was a good idea.

1:23amShawn

lol oh thats when it happened

1:24amJasmine

I am actually mortified of large groups of people, especially people in the middle of an activity like pumpkin carving.

1:24amShawn

lol it is dangerous

1:25amJasmine

It is brutal and arcane. Too much propensity for cutting out the hearts of things. Could have turned into the Manson family shit at any moment. I thought it best to leave.

I mean, they were even cooking the seeds. That’s like what warriors do in the old world. They eat their enemies to possess their power.

And pumpkins are mad powerful.

1:26amShawn

LOL you entertain me

1:28amJasmine

I try. Really I am just glad that your vomiting did not drive the congregation into a frenzy

1:28amShawn

i watited till the end

1:28amJasmine

The seeds we salt and eat are sort of like the vomit of pumpkin existence

1:28amShawn

it was the perfect timing

1:28amJasmine

I like to vomit at the ends of bad jokes I tell.

1:28amShawn

LOL

1:29amJasmine

If it doesn’t go over well, I must’ve fucked up the punchline because I was about to get alcohol poisoning.

1:29amShawn

right a book

1:29amJasmine

And then I am the warm pukey nucleus of life that the whole world loves to gather around and clean up after

1:30amShawn

thats special

1:30amJasmine

It is a good place to be.

1:31amShawn

pergitory

1:32amJasmine

Purgatory is the most passive-aggressive of afterlife options in Catholicism

I have a huge problem with it.

1:32amShawn

hee hee

1:32amJasmine

It is almost as bad as Ohio.

Almost.

1:32amShawn

i think you would enjoy hell to much so i think i will send you there instead

what about arkansas

1:33amJasmine

Did you know that the actual theory regarding Satantic genitalia was that it was made of ice? Because in Dante’s circles of Hell, the final circle was actually quite cold, because it was so far from God’s light and warmth, like Pluto

1:34amShawn

interesting

1:34amJasmine

So if you ever hear me cursing someone with the frigid dick of Satan, you’ll know why.

‘Cause it’s accurate.

1:36amShawn

thats hot

1:36amJasmine

No, cold.

Quite.

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