This is just a quick, straight-to-the-point notice to the Internet-at-large that contrary to many of the posts from “witnesses” to this event, the Rapture did actually occur on May 21st, 2011, at approximately 6:01pm. The problem with it, and the probable source for the confusion, was that only one person was called to Ascend. That person’s name was Carl. While attending to his tables at the pathetically overpriced restaurant at which he was employed, Carl was reported to have been bathed in rays of light from no obvious source, being apparently the only person in the continental United States to be truly virtuous and living by the actual law by the actual God in its perfect and benign scripture (much to the obvious surprise of the former Club Kid turned homosexual Buddhist).
However, to the compounded surprise of all who bore witness to this outstanding event, things did not go according to Plan. At approximately 8:35pm CST, Carl, the only moral man in America, the one chosen by the Almighty to be spared the horrors of what lay ahead which were prophesied to make the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah look like the destruction of an anthill by a bored child, Descended, stating that he “didn’t know anybody there” and that the music was terrible. No one got to keep his stuff, nor was the question answered as to why God had chosen to operate on Central Standard Time rather than any other time zone. On this matter, Carl had no comment.