i have never ever cheated will never ever cheat i do not ever cheat ever

You aren’t even you by 4am  most of the time. Somewhere around 1:30, the whole of Western civilization says “fuck it” and you decide to finally slacken your tie. Destroy the carefully-collected monument of hair tied up at the back of your head. Just let it all go by the wayside. It’s LCD Soundsystem over the speaker system again– something slow and seductive and non-descript but not necessarily sad or romantic. You start getting lonely again. You recall past heartbreaks, right up until that moment when the man who always moves nervously to the other side of the room when  you walk into it begins to inch closer and closer, hands-first. Then you may as well be eighteen again. Bright-eyed. Clumsy. Weirdly cynical about it all. You get  a St. Germaine and soda because who the hell do you  have to impress anymore? The man accuses you of “pouty French bullshit” but he says it with a steady gaze and a smile. His arms are hanging at his side dead except for his fingertips, which keep reaching out for yours, as if they are separate from the rest of his body, as if he can’t control them. Your boyfriend text messages to find out where you are and you, at least for a moment, debate whether or not you should answer. You go outside for a cigarette to cool off and clear your head and this time he follows you. Even as his friends all know what’s going on and why it’s a disaster and they all go, “hey. Hey, stop that. Hey, she has a boyfriend, you idiot”, suddenly outside, he appears again in front of you, like a proclamation, and what would you do, if it were you. What would you do, if you went in one white-hot moment from wanting nothing from anyone to wanting something that was right within breath’s reach, something that wanted to be wanted, hands on hips not so much grabbing as resting, restraining. And how maybe all moral practices begin on two sides and meet in the middle. How if St. Augustine were alive right now, he’d have that many tattoos and a pierced lip.


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